16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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