Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize