Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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