Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
