just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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