I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
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Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
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If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
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