I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
