Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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