i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
