Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
You smell like stripper and shame
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
