the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
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I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
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I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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