I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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