so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
