Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
What a fucking waste of an outfit
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
