Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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