Pants 0. Shit 1.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
