This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Randomize
