why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
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