That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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