i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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