then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
