i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
