All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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