What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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