Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
