made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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