hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
