There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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