Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
