its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
