1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
