Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
