Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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