I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
