In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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