you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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