I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
