Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this will be a night to untag.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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