i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
