I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
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