Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
