Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Randomize
