I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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