I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Randomize
