hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I'd cum for enchiladas.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
