My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
