I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Randomize
