Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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