My hand turned me down
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
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