Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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