sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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