Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
