someone threw a dead crab at me
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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