his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
