Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
