Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
