1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
